It’s a crazy thing isn’t it? The older I get the more I realize it.
Now, this is not going to be some cliche post about how fucked I have been in life or how I learn more about myself and others the older I get; although it is true.
I haven’t made a post on tumblr in well over a year, but I feel as though its a very therapeutic activity, especially for an introspective extrovert like myself. Being able to take note of all of the things I think about myself and others on a regular basis is great and recently alot has been on my mind. So, if you decided to read what I have to say go ahead and grab your cigarettes, put on some John Coltrane, and prepare to hear about some things.
Man, what a crazy concept. You are born into this social dynamic unknowingly, and mandated by society to support, advise, and care for this group of people that hate eachother. At least that is how it is for me. Let me just say this for the record, I LOVE my family. Their flaws and all. But as I get older, the more I am exposed to and learn about each persons in my family life story. Especially my father, let me give you a little bit of back story about him.
My father, Kevin Salley, is the oldest of a set of twins and of 4 children in all. Being the oldest child typically means you are your parents test child…they have no fucking clue what to expect or do, and you become the mouse in a lab. And sadly, that is how it was for my father. My grandfather was a drunk and beat his wife. My dad felt that (by being the oldest child) it was his responsibility to protect his mother. Almost every person could agree with that. But in the time when my dad was growing up, drunk fathers taking out anger on their wives was a typical thing. being a teen and intervening in that kind of stuff was not typical. I think the saying “what happens in this house stays in this house” originated from this time period. Anyway, he was constantly getting into fights with my grandpa protecting my grandma and all she wanted to do was keep the family together and keep everything inside the house. Over time, my grandmother hated the fact that my dad protected her because it led to alot more hostility and violence in the house. After being shunned from doing the right thing, my dad went through a huge identity crisis which lead to depression. Long depressive states or even depressive episodes lead to alcohol dependency and drug use. I know some people may disagree with that statement, but this is what I think. Along with drugs and alcohol, my dad found himself. Because of his shitty situation during this identity crisis he developed this “me against the world” sort of attitude. He feels as though everyone owes him some thing because of his situation. He often got into fights because that was the only way he knew how to express himself. Along with the drugs, alcohol and unemployment probably came petty theft to support his habit. Get him out of reality. He went to college and met my mom. Things started to change. He started to have a more positive outlook on life. She was a great influence for him and his drug usage started to drop. Then I was born! My dad never wanted to tie the knot and my mom moved on, got married and birthed my little brother and sister. He went back into his depression and started using drugs again. Didn’t come back into my life until I was about 12.
It really sucks. On paper, my dad looks like a shitty guy. But if you knew what he went through it kind of makes sense.
My auntie, hates my dad’s guts. I feel like it is mostly because of the 10 year age difference between them. She only saw my dad and made her impressions of him in a rough part of his life… Think about it, when my dad was a teenager, fighting my grandpa all she saw was destruction. She only saw his actions from a 10 year old perspective while he was 20. She saw her older brother fighting his father, making her mother cry, breaking apart the family, drug and alcohol usage, petty theft, and walking out on his son as she was growing up. The thing that sucks is that she wont recognize that and try to change her opinion of him.
Now, I am not saying my dad is an angel. He still has a problem with depression and turns to drinking. I am almost positive the drug use is over, but I don’t know. He is currently unemployed and living with various girlfriends he finds. It sucks, and although he rarely shows it around me…he is really struggling with alot of things. He says to me all the time that if it was not for me and my success he wouldn’t be alive and how he is the proudest dad in the world. but that pressure from him STRESSES me the fuck out… I feel like talking to him about that would really mess him up inside, so I dont and now I tell all of you who read this post.
It is just shitty. I know that alot of people have shittier situations but idk what to think.
I talked to my aunt about it and she tells me how he is good for nothing and that I’d kill myself trying to help him. Its a lost cause. Hearing stuff like that about my father really took a toll on me and probably, subliminally the reason I decided to get on tumblr again.
Just to vent to someone. Even if I dont know who you are.
On a brighter note, IM ALMOST DONE WITH FUCKING COLLEGE. just one more semester to go, if all goes as planned.
I have mixed feelings about college. Do you want the good news or bad news first? Good? ok.
I have learned so much about myself. Its fucking crazy how much I learned about my self. I also have developed a belief system, a mindset, goals, aspirations, learned to value knowledge (opposed to intelligence). They may seem like trivial and assumed things that people have, but just take a few seconds to think about all the close-minded/ selfish/ narcissistic/ and jealous people you know….yea, those people are missing a few of those previously stated characteristics.
Because of all I have learned, I am pretty content with myself. I am a very open minded and outgoing person who actively tries to not judge others. I love learning things about others and myself, and although most people just see me as an extroverted personality I am quite introspective. I constantly examine situations and think of possible outcomes of each possible response. I judge myself and my actions alot, and actively try to think of better ways to handle similar situations in the future. Despite the drama, I honestly love my family and will do all I can to help and support them.
But, I have my demons. Just like everyone else. The bad part of college
drugs, and alcohol. Although most look at it as the greatest aspect of college, it really took a toll on me. I love alcohol and being drunk Honestly, If professional drinking was sport I’d be in the Olympics. Jokingly, but pretty honest. I got into a spell of doing blow. And don’t do it as much now because of lack of money. but I realize but Because of my introspective nature, I always try to figure out why I love drinking so much. But true to the social comparison theory, I look to others to judge my own actions. The college sub-culture is arguably one of the worst social settings in the country. For some reason, it is okay and encouraged to get stupid drunk, make alot of mistakes and hurt your self. It’s also okay to drink any day of the week for any reason you can think of… I’ve done this and seen it happen hundreds of times in my four years. I’ve had friends from college throughout the 4 years drop out, severely injure themselves, lose touch with reality, ruin their lives with getting arrested for various drunk activities, and even kill themselves. All of which were products of alcohol or drugs. The college culture promotes it at it’s core and especially if you decide to join a fraternity. . Even though it’s terrible, I feel as though alot I learned about my self and others come directly from dealing with these situations.
I guess that wasn’t much of a “brighter” note.
I have said it before, but I honestly will start making posts again. I feel alot better getting this off my chest. Hopefully my next post tomorrow will be a little more positive. Talk to you then, whoever you are.
haha yaaa. when i talked to my financial aid officer about it, she said its like not such a thing and its a urban myth. i can claim myself as independent, but that wouldnt do anything. idk mayb she was jus fucking with me cause for some reason i think she hates me…lol but thankss sooo much :)!
i swear, staying up late does weird shit to you. like it makes you think about shit, either how good or bad your life is going. in my case, its not going so well..
i hate when things are soo messed up and it gets to the point where you have literally done everything you can to help your self, but your still stuck in a shitty situation. College sucks. but it sucks even so much more because i love it soo much. it sucks in the way that i have no way to pay for it, and every avenue that can be used, has, and still nothing has changed. . i owe exactly $3,808.98 to be able to return second semester, and i have worked my ass off to pay what i can. i’ve been given scholarships, grants, and all types of loans but it still wasnt enough, on top of my job at olive garden ive been working aswell. I found this other awesome loan program with a group called “SallieMae” (ironic right?) where it is a fixed intrest rate and i can make payments basically whenever i want to, and it eventually lowers the actual debt over time. which is EXACTLY what i wanted. its hard enough finding a student loan with fixed intrest rates, but its even better because i can start repaying the loan whenever i have some kind of money. as they say, things are too good to be true. i wasnt granted the loan because “i dont have a credit established”, ya im sorry i dont pay a car note, rent, have credit cards, a wife, child support, or any other things that would contribute to my credit score; but they said i still had hope, i just needed to find a cosigner. well, first i turned to my dad and unknown to me, he had jus filed for bankruptcy after he was laid off the force, and that basically made him ineligible. BUT there was still hope. i then turned to the most wealthy person in my immediate family, my aunt. she works and lives downtown, and makes a shitton of money working for some big insurance company and i thought she was the perfect candidate. i was wrong. she said she didnt want to do it because she claimed that she didnt have the credit and would be denied. . but wouldnt even try. BUT there was still hope. i then tried my mom, knowing that she isnt the wealthiest person, but thought she would do anything to help her collegiate son. she also declined. when i asked her why, she said because she didnt want to.
so what does that mean for me…in my mind my mom was literally the only person who i kinda thought it was her responsibility and to actually care, and she didnt want to do it because just “didnt want to”. EVERYTIME i tried to talk to her about it, it turns into a argument, and today it was bad.
it started off with the basic, “hey ma, what are we guna do about school” and i could tell that she just was about to get pissed right after i said something to her, and i was kinda the same way. little did she know, that basically the whole day ive been searching for a way to pay for school by my self. i cant even remember how many banks i called and how many relatives i talked to today to try and find help and after keep getting turned down, i just needed a little but of reassurance from my mom that everything was guna be okay. but i didnt get that.
well eventually, the conversation got a little heated and turned into a argument, and i kind of ended it before it got too bad by just grabbing my cigs and storming out the house, because she wasnt trying to hear ANYTHING iwas trying to say. while i was leaving, i heard her yelling and telling me how much of dumbass i am.
needless to say, i was kinda worked up; but basically i just wanted to get away from everything and just calm down before i did anything i would regret. while i was walking in the shady streets of country club hills at about 11:00pm wearing nothing but sweatpants and a t-shirt… i got stoped, by the fuking cops.
the “officer” came up to me and asked me where i was going and what i was doing, and i told him nothing. in the state i was in, he probably thought i was fuked up or something, and he stated giving me shitt. he asked me if i had a ID and i let him know i didnt bring anything with me and i started to walk away. . i was doing NOTHING wrong. when i started to walk away, he guy grabbed me and slapped cuffs around my wrist, and by this time there were three or four cop cars. they asked me my name and i told them, and eventually they let me go…after about a hour. he eventually told me that i matched the description of someone they were looking for. but at that point i didn’t even care.
After that ordeal, i walked back home; just to find out that my mom was even morrrre pissed than when i left. JUST my luck, i guess her and my stepdad were planning on going out tonight to celebrate his birthday coming up, and i kept them waiting because they wanted me to babysit my little brother and sister. my mom and him stormed out, and told me that im a asshole to ruin my stepdads birthday. .
i wish they knew why i came back almost 2 hours after i left. .
as of now, idk wht im going to do about school, or the relationship with mama. i still love her to death, but i hate when we fight. maybe i can rob a bank er something?
…any other suggestions?
i’ve always been a little intimidated with making a “tumblr”. Actually not a little, but really intimidated by it, which is why im glad i finally have one.
I have alot to say
which i hear is somthing that tumblr is good for. you just say what you want to say and not be judged or thought of differently by what and how you say it. it’s not like i would ACTUALLLY care what you think about what ill post, its just more like i just want people to hear what im saying. although ive always had alot to say i never thought anyone wanted to hear it, which is one of the sources of my intimidation from “tumblr”. in time i think i’ll become more comfortable with things and start getting deep, which i know is going to happen. i mean, who dosent like going in deep? with a clean mind, ive always wanted to get reallly deep with alot of people, but just havnt. alot of people see me as a nice guy or a kidder or joker, but not much of a person that likes to get deep. when thinking about my personal definition of what deep is, i just basically think it is like watching a discussion about God by a quantum physicist, psychiatrist, priest, satanist, atheist, maya angelou, and kid rock. i mean who wouldn’t want too see that line-up discuss any pressing issue? all jokes aside ill be saying alot on here, and if you’ve taken the time to read this guy, your in for a treat.
stay black and proud.